Brb, gouging my eyes out

The Internet is never exactly a bastion of truthfulness/factual accuracy, but this week has proved particularly, eye-rolling-ly fruitful in the everything-is-a-lie department. Apparently unsatisfied with the "scripted" "pranks" of Sam Pepper and the tri-breasted tomfoolery of three-boob girl, some idiot marketing company decided to hoodwink the Internet with a fake 4chan campaign vowing to leak Emma Watson's nudes. In point of fact, there are no nudes and no leakers -- just some "social media gods" with a weak grasp of the English language and a weird Twitter account. Brb, gouging my eyes out. Let's go to the links!

~BUT FIRST, AN IMPORTANT PROGRAMMING NOTE:~ According to my open-rates for the past couple days, you guys either spontaneously fell out of love with this newsletter (which, it's okay, that happens) OR it is not making it to your inbox. If you are using Gmail, which most of you are, you can make sure Links reaches you by moving it to your primary inbox or marking it as legitimate mail. If you're in Outlook or another email client, check yr spam folder and consider marking me a safe sender. (I am safe! I promise!) Anyway...

1. I tried out the "Tinder for cuddling" and all I got was creeped out. Seriously, guys: I worked hard on this one. I solicited many, many men (and women!) for hugs. Alas, it turns out that even on an outspokenly "nonsexual" and "platonic" app, nothing is nonsexual OR platonic. Your loss, bros of Cuddlr! I'm a pretty good hugger.

2. Love isn't algorithmic. It's fascinating -- even comforting -- to look at data from sites like OkCupid and assume they've cracked some kind of eternal romantic code. But the problem with data is that, even at its best, it can't quite capture all the inconsistencies and contradictions of the human condition. Dataclysm is great, in other words -- but it can't explain a broken heart.

3. Why you think your phone's buzzing when it isn't. As many as 90 percent of smartphone-users experience "phantom vibrations" -- the feeling that your phone is going off when it's not. You aren't hallucinating, exactly. But your brain is doing some pretty zany things.

Yes, I will absolutely fly this airline.

Postscripts: "Snapchat sluts." Post-structural shopping. The #1 gravest threat to frats. How to travel (according to Anthony Bourdain) and how to cook (according to a super-computer chef). Misogyny isn't human nature. Data isn't destiny. Your terrible online shenanigans isn't "a prank." Wanna revisit your old teenage photos?? (I'm alright, thanks.)

Until tomorrow!
@caitlindewey

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