Don't be afraid! We're all friends here.
I have not personally been swept up in the World Cup mania consuming many of my more athletic peers, but today during the Italy vs. Uruguay game a gentleman ("gentleman"?) named Luis Sanchez bit another man -- bit him, like with his teeth -- on the field, in the midst of play, which obviously we can't ignore. More incredibly, this is not the first time Mr. Sanchez has done this. He's actually on strike three, and thus liable for some kind of disqualification. But plz, World Cup officials, leave this man in: He's like Youtube-Charlie reincarnated. He's a walking meme! More importantly, he represents a valuable advertising opportunity for social media managers the world over. And now that we're all shaking our heads over brand shenanigans on Twitter, here are some rules for the Internet!
1. Stop being a jerk online. This month's Wired has not one -- not two! -- but three stories on the apparently puzzling art of modern etiquette. Behold: "Your Guide to Good IRL Behavior," "Tips for Not Being an Ass on Social Media," and my personal favorite, "The Secret Rules of Tinder, Emojis and HBO Go." (Drunk Tinder = good. HBO stealing = bad.) Thanks Wired, we were all really miffed there.
2. Stop trying to leave me voicemails. Voicemail "deposit" rates have dropped 8 percent from last October, because voicemails are decidedly for the olds. No, mom, I haven't listened to it!!! (Neither did I see this when it ran 10 days ago. But it's funny, so let's revisit anyway.)
3. Stop Googling your dates before you meet them. The "new abstinence" is waiting to stalk your dates until, you know, you actually date. I personally doubt it's better than sex, as one line in this ditty suggests...? But then again I Google everyone!
Pocketables: Nipsters = German hipsters appallingly trying to make Nazism "cool." (4995 words/20 minutes)
Postscripts: Kosher Internet. Virtual zoos. The perfect pugs of Westeros. This is why we call cell phones "cell phones" and this is why songs stick in our heads. The Wikipedia entry for Guam, retold as a novel. The names of famous people, retooled as silly puns. Today, in #service #journalism: write faster, cook better, change all your desktop icons to pictures of Kanye West. Is your fear of the Internet making your boring? (Don't be afraid! We're all friends here.)
Until tomorrow!
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