I feel like that's not gonna work out.

Heartbleed would be a good name for an epic video game, an angsty acoustic album, or a dystopian YA novel. (Hunger Games < Heartbleed. Think about it.) Unfortunately for all of us, however, it is actually the name of an insidious computer bug that exposed millions of usernames, passwords and credit card numbers to potentially unsavory elements. What can you do about it, you ask? HA! Nothing. So let’s look at pictures of pandas sneezing or something:
1. There is nothing new under the sun. Not even “viral racism.” #CancelColbert has an odd nineteenth-century corollary, with unsettling implications: We may tell our jokes and express our outrage on different mediums now, but the underlying social problems haven’t changed.
2. “It’s hard to escape just how phallic the whole thing is.” “The whole thing,” in this case, is the emerging Twitter school of rhetoric, in which everyone attacks each other, demands attention, and generally waves his/her (figurative) dick around.
3. Why do people still play Tetris? Because it’s fun, obviously. And it turns 30 this year!

When babies do judo, everyone wins.
Postscripts: Video games can improve your dreams, but rap music can drive you to drink. Slurpees. Sevens. Sloths. Space meals. Scrumptious, statistically-solid pies. Are pets blurring the line between animals and humans? Do you really just want to date yourself? I wanna date this John Lennon clone, personally, but I feel like that's not gonna work out.
Important PSA: You can now search Yelp with emoji, thereby combining two of everyone's favorite Internet things in one big gimmicky package. Useful? No. Fun? So very.
Until tomorrow!@caitlindewey
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