If that sounds cool and fun to you
Instagram brands, mommy blogs, fake cats, red pills, "demonic Chihuahua hellscapes” and overnight millionaires
Global baby bust be damned: Half the couples I know are getting pregnant. And when two of our good friends shared the news late last month, we sent them half a case of millennial-branded champagne-adjacent non-alcoholic beverage.
Now I’m getting Instagram ads for these drinks by the dozens. I had *no idea* the market for faux-liquor was so vast. There’s not only Töst (mind the umlaut!) and Seedlip (which I had heard of), but also Lyre’s and Ritual and Fre and SipClean and VinZero and Ghia and Curious Elixers and Hella and Daypack. They’re a fascinating genre, these upscaled teas and flavored waters, and not only for whatever alchemy they involve. They also strike me as products that probably wouldn’t exist if Instagram weren’t there to market them. The more I scroll, in fact, the more I’m convinced they’re basically canned, carbonated versions of the Instagram id — all “wellness” and “hustle” and sans serif fonts and aspirational consumerism.
There’s a wide universe of products under this aesthetic umbrella, sometimes called the “Instagram brands.” You’ll recognize them by their price point, their direct-to-consumer model and their minimalist pastel branding, which often involves vague, over-earnest gestures at ideals like naturalness, productivity and health. Last December, for instance, I got an ad for some Scandi-lite venture-backed dog toy that costs $55 — essentially, a Kong with a weight in it. I think about this dog toy all the time. It’s like glimpsing the wizard behind the millennial-pink curtain.
Other products I place in this camp: a “magic link” (… it’s a leash) by the same company, which costs $65. These fad-flavored gummy bears. These sheets and toothbrushes and bathing suits and beach towels and flowers. I am the target demographic for all of these products. But until that non-champagne champagne, I’d never bought any of them. As great as the reviews may be, I can’t admit that I’m susceptible to so obvious a sell; that I do, in fact, aspire to exactly the same tired aesthetics that every other 30-something middle-class white woman does … at least according to whatever metrics marketers use to craft these advertisements.
The magic health-liquor might finally get me, though. I’m awaiting our friends’ review. Until then, sure: I do wish my life looked like a Sugarfina gram. Whatever!
P.S. In this week’s Major Biden news — is this shtick old? idgaf — our poor misunderstood doggo has been sent to Jesus camp. Took them long enough. 😕
P.P.S. In response to this week’s special edition, several men have sent me well-meaning guidance on how to cook more efficiently. Fellas: I know how to cook. But I’m worried you don’t know how to read.
If you read anything this weekend
“The Problem with ‘Mom Boss’ Culture,” by Amanda Montei in Vox. This headline sells the piece short, I think — it’s essentially a critical look at the evolution of that faaaascinating genre known as the “mommy blog,” which says a lot (little of it good!) about how we organize our families/society, in general. File this one straight to the “maybe I’m actually not having kids” folder.
“The Mysterious Influencer Stock Market Worth $1 Billion,” by Jen Wieczner in New York Mag. Love a good confluence of modern helltrends, and this is one for sure: a scammy, anonymous site that combines the bizarre modern urge to own an influencer’s life with the meme-y nihilism of the GameStop surge. Even tech investors are passing on Bitclout, which is how you know it’s gone too far. (Not all tech investors, though. We can always fall farther!)
“I Thought My Job Was To Report On Technology In India. Instead, I Got A Front-Row Seat To The Decline Of My Democracy,” by Pranav Dixit in Buzzfeed. We don’t usually do a ton of global news here, but this one stuck with me — maybe because Dixit so readably maps the erosion of India’s digital rights onto his own experience with technology. Pair with Julia Carrie Wong’s recent scoop on how Facebook gives political manipulation a pass in small/non-western countries, if you really wanna drown in the bottomless vat of Silicon Valley complicity.
“A 23-Year-Old Coder Kept QAnon Online When No One Else Would,” by Joshua Brustein and William Turton in Bloomberg. To me, the wildest thing about Nick Lim — also the go-to tech guy for white supremacists — is how *totally void* of principles he apparently is. You’d think he’d at least have bad principles. Like maybe he’s a free speech absolutist. But no, he’s just some shrugging, cynical kid, like every other 23-year-old on Reddit, who half-heartedly references “1984” before admitting nah, he actually hasn’t read it.
“The Alt-Right Has Lost Control of Redpill,” by Kaitlyn Tiffany in The Atlantic. I am old enough to remember when “redpill” was the exclusive watchword of men’s rights activists. And I’m *delighted* by the extent to which the internet has ruined that.
The classifieds
This edition of Links is powered by School of Seven Bells, a band I used to love and recently rediscovered (this song is just a weird breathy jam, I don’t know how else to describe it); also Jeni’s ice cream (thanks Kat!!), “Homeland Elegies,” and the following very wonderful sponsors:
The New Fatherhood — Fatherhood is changing. So are you. The New Fatherhood is a newsletter exploring the existential questions facing modern fathers. With tools, tips and hacks to be a better dad, and a community of forward-thinking parents looking to grow. Be a better dad. Sign up today.
Farm (and Other F Words) — A book that speaks directly to the nagging feeling you have that everything you've been told about the food system is not the full story. Order it soon where books are sold.
Werner Herzog Eats His Words — You are wondering what it would be like to hear Werner Herzog talk about mundane things like nail clippers and leaf blowers. Everybody is. Be the first to find out.
📣📣 Wanna see your name/side hustle/shout-out here, while supporting the free edition of this newsletter?? Fill out this form; it’s affordable!!
Postscripts
The one industry AI can’t disrupt (yet). The legacy of Yahoo Answers’ greatest super-user. You can now watch the planet die on Google Earth, if that sounds cool and fun to you. r/OnlyFans is not what you think. Artists are (often!) not “creators.” This cat actually does not exist, but this “demonic Chihuahua hellscape” does.
I extremely identify with this overnight tech millionaire who is spending all his newfound money on his dogs. I bet he has both a “magic link” and a $55 Kong. Ikea published a food-scrap cookbook. Barilla made some pasta-timed playlists. Last but not least: “MyPillow CEO’s free speech social network will ban posts that take the Lord’s name in vain” — just an incredible sentence.
That’s it for this week! Until the next one. Warmest virtual regards.
— Caitlin