Caitlin - from another Caitlin - I'm so sorry. It's the absolute worst. Over my own years of trying to have kids it happened to me six times. And I never knew what exactly to say - to friends, to family, to my job. Part of me wanted to lay it all out, how deeply sad I was, how I was in physical pain. And part of me wanted to hide. So sometimes I said something. Sometimes I didn't. Sometimes people were so kind and real and understanding about it. Sometimes they said things like "Time will pass and you will move past this and when you one day hold your precious little one to your breast, this will no longer give you pain." (This was an email from my mother-in-law. What if I never had a living child? And guess what - now [somehow, with enormous luck] I have two, and it still gives me pain!)
Now, with that chapter closed, I try to share as openly as I can about what happened - because despite the strides that have been made even in the last decade I feel like miscarriage sometimes is still treated as this shameful, hidden thing, and can feel so lonely. Thank you, thank you, for sharing too. I deeply hope that life brings you what you're hoping for soon.
(Your newsletter [and your writing] is so fantastic, by the way.)
I needed to read this, thank you. I think for me, this experience has been so enormously isolating -- in all the usual ways you would expect disenfranchised grief to isolate you, but also in the sense that we are moving further and further away from what is considered medically or statistically "normal." At this point I just don't know, or hear from, many people who have had experiences like ours. So I am very, truly grateful to you for sharing your story -- and I'm also terribly sorry for your losses. You made this internet stranger feel a little less lonely. I appreciate it. <3
I’m so sorry. this was wrenching to read and you didn’t owe it to us, but grateful for your candor nonetheless. sending all the empathy (not sympathy!) you need at this exact moment 🤍
I'm so sorry about what you're going through, although I'm grateful you felt you could share some of it with us. Someone close to me went through this years ago, and I remember how no one really felt they could talk about it (or had the vocabulary). We have a ways to go as a society on this subject.
Thanks James, I appreciate it. And I hope things turned out okay for your loved one. I'm trying to be the destigmatization I want to see in the world ... we'll see how that goes. 🙃
“I don’t want you to think I’m looking for sympathy. Sympathy actually embarrasses me a bit. If anything, I’m writing to underscore the absurdity, the heartlessness, of this mutual charade wherein we all play down our grief, we keep its depths secret.” This is so brilliantly written and so very true. Thank you for sharing this with us. 🩷
Honestly, this comment section + my inbox have to be the kindest, gentlest places on the internet right now. I legit love my readers. Thank you for being awesome.
Caitlin - from another Caitlin - I'm so sorry. It's the absolute worst. Over my own years of trying to have kids it happened to me six times. And I never knew what exactly to say - to friends, to family, to my job. Part of me wanted to lay it all out, how deeply sad I was, how I was in physical pain. And part of me wanted to hide. So sometimes I said something. Sometimes I didn't. Sometimes people were so kind and real and understanding about it. Sometimes they said things like "Time will pass and you will move past this and when you one day hold your precious little one to your breast, this will no longer give you pain." (This was an email from my mother-in-law. What if I never had a living child? And guess what - now [somehow, with enormous luck] I have two, and it still gives me pain!)
Now, with that chapter closed, I try to share as openly as I can about what happened - because despite the strides that have been made even in the last decade I feel like miscarriage sometimes is still treated as this shameful, hidden thing, and can feel so lonely. Thank you, thank you, for sharing too. I deeply hope that life brings you what you're hoping for soon.
(Your newsletter [and your writing] is so fantastic, by the way.)
Not me crying at a Substack comment!!!
I needed to read this, thank you. I think for me, this experience has been so enormously isolating -- in all the usual ways you would expect disenfranchised grief to isolate you, but also in the sense that we are moving further and further away from what is considered medically or statistically "normal." At this point I just don't know, or hear from, many people who have had experiences like ours. So I am very, truly grateful to you for sharing your story -- and I'm also terribly sorry for your losses. You made this internet stranger feel a little less lonely. I appreciate it. <3
I love your links, but I love your writing more. Your essay is the one I would Gchat friends. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you Sharon, I appreciate you!
I’m so sorry. this was wrenching to read and you didn’t owe it to us, but grateful for your candor nonetheless. sending all the empathy (not sympathy!) you need at this exact moment 🤍
I'm so sorry about what you're going through, although I'm grateful you felt you could share some of it with us. Someone close to me went through this years ago, and I remember how no one really felt they could talk about it (or had the vocabulary). We have a ways to go as a society on this subject.
Thanks James, I appreciate it. And I hope things turned out okay for your loved one. I'm trying to be the destigmatization I want to see in the world ... we'll see how that goes. 🙃
“I don’t want you to think I’m looking for sympathy. Sympathy actually embarrasses me a bit. If anything, I’m writing to underscore the absurdity, the heartlessness, of this mutual charade wherein we all play down our grief, we keep its depths secret.” This is so brilliantly written and so very true. Thank you for sharing this with us. 🩷
Please more real conversations about grief! Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
big virtual hug.
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I really appreciate your bravery and candor in writing this.
I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking, and I just wish you a lot of strength and love and support.
💜💜💜
Refreshingly real! I admire your bravery in your writing. I hope you find helpful answers and take time for your grief. Sending love from Australia.
God bless you and give you peace.
Also Go Bills!
Sending love and good vibes. Your newsletter is a safe place of my internet and I hope you feel the same about your subscribers 💜
Honestly, this comment section + my inbox have to be the kindest, gentlest places on the internet right now. I legit love my readers. Thank you for being awesome.
Warmest virtual regards back atcha. Thanks for your honest sharing, it's meaningful to me.
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Sending love.